I was listening to this song called Motivation with this girl yesterday. She told me that the song was about being your motivation to cum. But I didn’t hear that. In the chorus, I thought of her. Her eyes, smile, laugh, and how I want her to be my motivation… To be better. To be myself again. The sober, crazy girl I really am.
I just hate how I was so stupid to learn the hard way that I’m way better than any pill or drug. I’m way better than anything, as long as I believe in myself. All my life, I have never believed in myself. I thought I was the dirt the world walked on. But it changed last night. I went to this wicked party, and I had such, idk, positive energy! And this girl that I was talking about earlier told me to be more optimistic and I was. Then this other girl was at the party and I was so stupid. How I could choose anyone over the girl I just had in my arms 2 days ago? Seizes to amaze me.
The next day, today, I went to Walgreens and popped 6 Triple C’s. I was doing so good being sober. 10 months of hard put in effort. But do I regret doing what I did? Partially. The only reason I regret it is because it made me loose the one thing that was ever great for me. You never know what you have until its gone. For good. But in other ways, I don’t regret it. It fucking woke me up. It made me think back to before rehab, when all I wanted was a fix. But I realized today, that all I want, is that girl with that beautiful smile, eyes, & personality, to be in my arms. Just like she was 2 days ago.
Is a fucked up thing.
A thing not worth the time.
A thing not worth the effort.
Just a thing.